btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
