The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
