the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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