On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Terrible idea I love it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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