I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
