Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
