i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
