I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
