a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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