Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
