i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
im having a threesome with these popsicles
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
