I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
