do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
