it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
