Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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