I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
