Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
