I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
