it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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