girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
