I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
