If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
