my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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