if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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