"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
