So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
