sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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