'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
