I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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