ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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