I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
