Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
