I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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