Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
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