I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
