Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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