Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
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