we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
