If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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