You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
