Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
