she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
