I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
