She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My ATM looks so different sober.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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