If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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