Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
