rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
