Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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