Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Send help, water and tortillas.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
