some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
