where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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