my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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