Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize