Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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