Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
