You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
